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Dead or Alive Xtreme 3: Fortune
This post is about a specific game
Jed Whitaker's greatest (s)hits
This is going to be one of those threads where I pound my face against my keyboard, tear my hair out in frustration and dwell long and hard over the future of the human race.
Destructoid have decided to review Dead or Alive Xtreme 3: Fortune. This is despite the game not being released in the west (and last time I checked, Destructoid was a western based gaming website).
This would be all well and good if they had decided to give the game to a competent reviewer. We instead got Jed Whitaker. You can see where this is going...
Implying that developers included an under age of consent character.
"Somehow Dead or Alive Xtreme 3: Fortune manages to have even less gameplay than previous titles, and even more focus on sexualization -- one cast member that doesn't look quite legal -- but maybe you're into that?"
Black people are apparently a missing feature in this game.
Multiplayer? Gone. Jetskis? Missing. Slot machines? Nope. Licensed music? None here. CG cutscenes? As if. Characters of color? MIA.
Berating a game including women with outrageously sized mammaries for not being realistic.
...sometimes a bikini strap will fall causing a girl to have to hold onto her top. You'd think this would end up making the game more revealing, but you'd be wrong. Instead bathing suit tops cling to girls even when their hands move away, somehow defying gravity. Oh, that's right, nothing in this game is realistic.
Then there's some bullshit about some mini games or some crap. Honestly, by this point I was shopping for sturdy rope so that I might relieve myself from this plane of existence.
Oh right yeah, this shitty review. He decides to call one of the characters an object for a whole paragraph. Welcome to social justice on steroids.
Another new addition is the rock climbing mini-game, which boils down to a glorified quick time event where you quickly mash buttons to force your chosen object to scale an ugly brown texture. Once your object reaches the top, you'll be treated to a clip of their unrealistically perfect tits clipping through the rocks as they struggle to pull themselves up. I don't know about all of you, but I'm certainly not turned on by danger or clipping graphics.
Then he goes on and makes a "Oooo! Look! I'm a expert retro gamer!" remark which made me roll my eyes into the next post code.
Volleyball, the mainstay of the series, is the same as it has always been, that is to say, it's very basic. While it is the most engaging gameplay in the game, it isn't much more advanced than volleyball games from the NES era.
He then decides to make a decidedly racist comment about how the Asian audience that this is being released to are just a bunch of pervs.
The reason most people buy this game, to creep on virtual girls, is called "Owner" mode
He can do this of course because Queen Anita has decided that the culture of Japan and other nations like it needs to be systematically destroyed for the sake of Social Justice.
God. We're only half way through this shitty review and I feel like murdering someone. Let's skip some of this irrelevant bullshit...
I bought my copy of the game directly from the Hong Kong PSN store, which includes the game entirely in English.
Virtue signalling to show that he didn't buy from PlayAsia, those evil GabblerBoobers.
Honestly, I don't know why Koei Tecmo don't just release this version of the game on PSN for English-speaking countries
Jed does not own a mirror.
I mean, this twat spends an entire paragraph trying to comment on how the publishers should have released this in the west in a 1.5/10 review. The lack of self awareness is insane.
Sweet relief, we've finally reached the end of this shitshow.
The whole package feels extremely light on content, and even a bit rushed. With reused assets, features missing that were in previous titles, added microtransactions, a lack of characters, and lots of grinding, it is hard to recommend this to even the most titty-starved gamer.
You'd be better served watching videos of the spicier scenes online or just going to any number of free porn sites, thus saving yourself the time, money, and brain cells that would otherwise be spent on this.
For comparison, Famitsu gave it 34/40. Western gaming journalism is doomed.